Saturday, December 4, 2010
Being pregnant is scary business. There is so much riding on me to have a healthy baby. And I will have to continue it for the rest of my life. Making sure my child(ren) is safe, healthy and awesome. A few weeks ago I was talking to a friend who has also lost her mom and she told me getting pregnant scares her, because she doesnt have anyone to talk about it to. I feel the same way, sometimes. Im more sad than scared. It makes me miss her just as much as Ive ever missed her ever. How am I supposed to know if Im doing it right? How am I supposed to compare my pregnancy to hers with me? My Mama raised me right. I would be completely different had I not had her as a mommy. How am I supposed to know if im doing it right? How do I know Im going to be the type of mom she was. I was a pretty fantastic kid, pretty perfect for a single mom. I didnt get into much.. that I remember and she could take me into a lot of non children friendly places. Im also nervous again because its a boy! What am I supposed to do with him? He'll be Ken, Ill be Barbie? Im sure once he's here it will all come naturally. Thats what motherhood is supposed to be like right? Ill learn to play cars and learn about Thomas the Train. Ill learn a lot more about sports that arent soccer. I remember my stepbrother when I was younger. He was all about some cars and Tonka trucks. I guess maybe thats why guys always wanted the nice cars in high school and us girls just wanted cute clothes? I mean.. a nice car would have been nice but you know..I just feel like Im going to have a lot to learn. He'll teach me though, im sure of it.
I know I have support from Neil and his parents and my friends and family but its just not going to be the same. Shes missing yet another major part of my life. One of the biggest. This is way bigger than highschool graduation! She would be so excited for me and for herself. For a grandbaby. A grandson. Men dont come easy in my family. We are a family of girls except for a few random ones thrown in, but the majority is girls. Anyway, it makes me sad. I miss my mom.
In other news. 18 weeks!! Hooray! Its going extremely quick. SUPER Quick! Still not really showing. I can tell my belly has got a little bigger but I don't think its 'bump' worthy. Ill try and post a photo this week.
A friend of mine posted this video to her facebook and I thought it was kinda interesting so I figured id share it with you :) I feel bad for all those sperm that just didn't make the cut. Poor guys. Wish I could put them in a fishtank so they didnt die... well... not really but you know.